aurgh

I didn’t see him last week. I saw him last night. I was out with two friends and of course I texted his brother bc I was with my friend who his brother has a crush on. I didn’t text him b/c he sometimes doesn’t answer me. So of course his brother tells me where they will be. And my friends and I go. They aren’t there when we get to the bar. I asked the nephew where they were .. well where the brother is, bc it isn’t good when I ask where the Boy is… then its like I am a serial stalker… which I refuse to be. They get there after a few minutes. We are sitting at the empty bar and the Boy comes up to order some drinks for everyone that is there already. He says a few words to me and we exchange some pleasantries… His brother comes over and chats with us for about 10-15 minutes– being witty with my friends and such. Then my friend says she has to go — so I said K– and we get up. This is also when the Boy decides to come over and grace us with his presence… I still got up and said byeee to the boys. He looked surprised that I was leaving… but I came with the girls and I was going to leave with the girls– even thou we all had separate cars– and I would have stayed if there was more people there. But I will be damned if I would be talked about “staying bc she wants to get with the Boy”. And of course– I am not going to text him my disappointment … that I wished that he had come in and saw me and stayed by me. He had friends there- so of course he should go over and converse with them. But hey– he hasn’t seen me ALL week. Hasn’t talked to me in a week– and he says a few words to me and goes over to the others. Not cool.

Sort of like when his brother ( who he is estranged from) comes into the place we were all at… And he gets up and moves tables so he could go over and be with him??? what the hell is that. I thought that you weren’t getting along. I do know that the “estranged” part of their relationship hurts him more than he lets on– but HEY– leaving me– that hurts. Yes,, I was with my friends — but you don’t just get up and leave with me. Friends are what we are– and what he has been displaying is NOT what good friends act like. I get he is pissed at me bc of me telling a friend that he texts me sad songs sometimes– and that friend told his “estranged” brother– and his EB rags on him about it– I ge that he doesn’t tell anyone that something is going on between us– I get that. Maybe it is only in my mind that we have something…. He doesn’t like to admit things– and I hate him for that. But I adore him at the same time. I have to get over the fact that I adore him. He doesn’t adore me. Well at least he doesn’t act like he adores me. I really need to get over that fact. But he is always on the top of my list. I need to erase my list and start over.

So, I will still continue on my path on trying to stop adoring him. It would be easier if people would stop putting us together 🙂 . damn I wish I didn’t adore him so much. Its been more than enough time to get over this flipping crush.

Well– those days off from work wondering if I had a job or not was at least productive when it came to applying to new jobs. I applied to one District position on a Friday– and was called on Monday for an interview. Big Company– district visual position. The job I have coveted in one company and had in another company.

Had the interview with the Regional team today. Walked the store last night and took about 20 pages of notes. Followed the directions of the interview email to the letter. And in the interview– talked about it maybe for 2 minutes. The store I had shopped was not to the standard I would expect and I had some notes on that… but it was heavily shopped and the NOW businesses were full and engaging, so that is a win. The questions were the standard interview questions– how do you motivate — how did you develop someone– how do you plan– etc. Give a situational answer and not a general answer. I am generally the one that does those– so that was easy. Same answers that I have given to many other people. His face was not on video so I could not take any cues from him on if he liked the answer or joke. And she was just taking notes. It was about and hour and 15 — was cut out 3 times from the Webex. My connection was great– but Webex sucks. I will hear back from them either way next week. The recruiter has been checking in constantly– so that is a plus– I’ve never had that before. We will see.

I have also had an email to set up an interview for next week for another position that I applied for. I am unsure of which one b/c I did two. But that is for a foundation of education stuff– I have to do some research and call a friend who works there to see what I am getting myself in for. But after 3 months of job searching last year and the beginning of this year– this is the fastest I have been contacted back with.

So– going back to work. Got a call on Sunday from the DM– I am to report to X store from now on– its slower and easier to finish my training in. And the only reason I still have a job and such (what I THINK) is that they never finished my training sign offs– they were sup to be done 2 months ago from upper management– never happened.So they couldn’t even really write me up for it. So I rcvd a formal counsel — which is like a first step of going to have a corrective. And the dregs of humanity who like to shoplift from the other store– they are getting really aggressive and shoving people. One when up to my girl and told her that she was going to make her life a living hell for her. Nice people who frequent that plaza.

When I was doing a store tour of my new store– a feeling came over me “I just don’t like this job anymore.” and it was defeating. I seriously felt myself shrink several inches. So — lets train and search for a new life/job. This job isn’t cutting it for my brain — there are no number talks, — no inventory talks– the only talks are about trucks and how we can bring in MORE merchandise while the trucks don’t stick to their schedule. Why are the distros killing the stores with merchandise. Why are we getting so MUCH bulk? etc. I understand the turns– but right now this store is turning at a 3.5– we should be at 2 or lower to handle all the freight. aurghhh… so lets get a new job 🙂

Ok– after seriously a week and a HALF, I received the call this AM that I was not fired, that it would be just a corrective action. BUT I will be transferred to another store so I don’t have to see the shoplifters again. I know that I acted with emotion– and I was just sick and tired of having the dregs of humanity coming into the store and just taking things. The police won’t do anything about it. And even if they did– the judges in this county won’t give them anytime. They might get a fine– which they won’t pay… but they will spend NO time in jail. Maybe jail would actually solve the drug issues that they have. Maybe jail would solve their homeless situation. Which all goes hand to hand. These people have been in that plaza for years. They stay b/c they get away with it… b/c retailers won’t stop them.. b/c its just too plain hard to.

Just a month– just give the plaza a month of constant police presence … undercover officers acting as customers. Grab the damn people right when they leave the store. Or when they start knocking of the windows of the cars in line to leave– when they try to sell the crap that still has the plastic LP boxes around the item… or when they hang out at the grocery store (seriously ONE STORE down) trying to sell the items. I cannot understand why these people are allowed to get away with this stuff.

But anyways– after a week and a half of silence from this great company– I get the ok call. You can come back to work, you are going to have some additional training with LP and he will sign off on things. I spent a month in the “training store”. I have a notebook/binder of things I should have been trained on. I was– I took the book seriously. However the training store did not. I have 3 out of 6 signed off on. If it isn’t a huge thing on my district leaders– its not going to be a huge thing on me. I asked. I was told that we can do it after the store opening. It was not and that is why I am still employed. They never signed off on my LP training. Their loss– my gain. HOWEVER, I will not be made to feel the way I have felt in the last week and a half. No news daily. Am I still employed? Sorry– no news. DM and DLPM radio silence. Me living with anxiety– health insurance? Weekly paycheck? Do I admit failure to my family? Friends? The boy? I did 1/2 and 1/2. I didn’t take out an ad and say “hey, I am suspended b/c I tried to stop a shoplifter”. But if I was talking to someone– I let them know. I texted the boy and the girl couples. They were my rocks. I texted CP– she had insight. I told my brother– who I thought would had said more than he did. I gave him permission to tell the wife– she called right up that night to get the story. I told one half of the other boy couple– the one that drives me crazy. And then I saw the Boy– and I told him and his brother. He suggested that I was over reacting– which I might have been– but I like to have plans — I need to have plans. Plan A-thru Z.

So, I sat there and planned and planned. I started writing in the blog again.. I started writing short stories.. I started looking for other jobs. I had a great interview with another company for a great position. I realllllly want that position. So I will continue to interview for that position. And more positions. After these last two weeks– I realize what the Boy realized 6 months ago. I settled. I settled for employment that I did not really want. I settled b/c I wanted a job. I was scared to death of not having a job for over a year. I was scared to death for not being a productive human being. I was so depressed. My house looked like a vagrant lived in it. Not a woman that had all the time in the world to pick up and clean. I slept most of the day– up most of the night. Everything was at a stand still, not just b/c of the pandemic– but b/c I didn’t get up 5 days a week and head out to a job I hated. I didn’t work 12 hours a day dealing with asshole customers and asshole bosses. I didn’t have to babysit shitty associates that would rather hit golf balls instead of talking-to the asshole customers. But I wasn’t being productive. I wasn’t doing what I was taught from when I was a kid. You worked. Your worked hard. I started early– helping my brother with his paper route. Then it was being a candy striper at the hospital — babysitting– then waitressing– then bartending- then retail– then tambrands — then retail– Summers I had 3 jobs– I started YOUNG. Never had summers off. Before I was a candy striper– I was a competitive gymnast– was in the gym for the 30-40 hours a week. It was ingrained into my head that you were productive.

My current company actually reached out to me to start interviewing. I was not looking at retail at that time, but I thought– its fate. Great company– pay I wanted– job I knew– lets take it and start being productive again. Trained for 4 weeks– started a 4 week process of mass hire for a new store. No store manager due to her being out for medical. She was there for the first 3 days. Then it was me. Then the other ASM joined. But again– she was new to that company. Worked for a sister company– and there we were. Left alone in a big empty space trying to hire for a new store. Ive done this for my old company — but this was new. No range of pay. Just min wage. The DM that we had, was in transition to a new district. But she was going to take us thru the opening. Then new DM took over– I’ve seen her 2 times in my store. DLPM 4 times in the store. Store manager came when we opened. She is a control freak. She sometimes remembers that I don’t know everything. I ask questions– she tells me. Then the next day, it’s a different answer. Something is wrong. “that is the way it is”. Don’t ask questions when systems are slow.. that is always the way. Don’t ask anyone else questions– call me. Don’t reach out to others– listen to me only. Get in and unload the truck. Get in and build the stuff. Get on the line and process bc the truck was late and we cut the staff. DO it– DO it– DO it. I miss being a manager– I do not like being a highly paid associate. Truck schedules should not deviate daily. If your trucking company doesn’t have enough drivers for all the runs, then hire a second trucking company. If it says Monday at 7 am– I should open my door at 710 and see a truck in the bay. “that is the way it is.” SOMEONE SHOULD BE FIXING THIS STUFF> No billion dollar company should accept this. I should not have to call / text my staff daily and have the same conversations “truck is cancelled” “truck is late” oh and ” we have an added truck”.

So any ways– I will still be looking for a new job. But at least I will be employed as I look for the job. I will search. I will continue to write. I will continue to take online courses. I will continue to be a productive person of society , but I will look for another job to be in productive in. I am devastated that I was suspended. I am devastated that I admitted to people that I was suspended. I am devastated that the Boy was right in that I settled 6 months ago. But everything happens for a reason– and I will overcome this. I really am devastated that the Boy was right. He made me cry that night when he told me that I was settling– but I really should have listened.

So. its been a week. A week since I stopped a shoplifter and was told that I was n trouble. A week of suspension with no news from the job. I haven’t heard one thing. I am going thru the motions right now. I have told a few people. I have applied for jobs. One phone interview that seemed to go really well. It was for a district visual manager. An actual district job. One like I had 19 years ago. But this one with an office. And partners. District HR, Manager, Service Manager and Pro Manager. The screening interview was good. He explained everything, the benefits, the role, the support managers and the team. I know that I can do this job. That I want this job. When he told me the starting rate– I knew that I REALLY wanted this job. But then in my little insecure mind– am I able to get this job?

I was sent an assessment — I took it and then he called and said that I passed– and he was forwarding my info and his notes to the Regional Visual Manager, John, so I can continue the interviewing process. Jay knows him. 8 Years ago– but he said he would reach out and put in a good word for me. During the assessment– I kept second guessing my answers– I was like– I know I am going to fail this. I don’t deserve this job, Its out of my league, its too much. The thing is — I did this job for years. I was hired to do this job at that other place then they discontinued it. And of course, why even let me have it or interview for it when it came back. Well why would I since RVP and I did not enjoy each other’s company.

Well I passed the assessment. Now I just have to keep my mind in the positive space of I WILL GET THIS JOB. ok… I need to keep thinking that way. I can hear Dave saying this in my head, even thou he has NO clue in what I can do– or what I actually do– he will tell me to think positive in all cases and that I can do what I set my mind to do. So since I won’t text him and bother him with my selfish needs of hearing him say this… I will just keep hearing his voice in my head 🙂

All I keep thinking is– here it is again. I have been suspended from a job that I have had for 5 months. I stopped a shoplifter. Yup– I was stupid and stopped a shoplifter. Monday night at fucking 915. The usual suspects — saw them steal and called for help– no one there– so I did a stupid thing and stepped in front of them. THEN I remembered where I was and that I couldn’t do that. Felt huge guilt– told LP the next morning… By the afternoon DLPM was there taking my statement. I was completely honest and told him exactly what happened. And the next day at 915 got the phone call from the DM suspending me at 11 when the next key came in. Told to take the day and the next day off with pay until they review the case. I have been in retail for over 30 years and I know exactly what that means. I will be termed. They are waiting for the check to come from payroll. I will get my final pay today or tomorrow and will be termed. I am devastated that I did something wrong.

I am embarrassed to tell people that I am fired. I feel the judgment will start as soon as I tell them. So in my mind I will am not saying a word. I told a few close friends … but I have yet to tell the boy. I know his and his families view on unemployment–(even if I qualify — which is WHO KNOWS). All I wanted to do the last two nights is to tell him and have him in his own way talk me out of the funk that I was thinking. But truth be thought/told, I don’t want to admit failure (again). It was JUST last year that I was laid off from my job of 18 years. Pandemic was the reason– but we all know that my regional was ecstatic that he had a full proof reason to get rid of me. I had a “parachute” for that time. 24 weeks of severance pay that brought me to after Christmas with no worries about running out of money. But now I am lucky that I saved most of that and will be “ok” if unemployment doesn’t approve me. But I have other financial issues as well. Taxes, mortgage, car issues, and most of all health insurance. I have never been more up in the air as I have been in the last year. I have always been stable– creature of habit… don’t rock the job boat.. stay the course etc. Now im just up in the air waiting for the next shoe to drop.

So what I didn’t do last summer that I was unemployed– I vow to do this summer. I fell into a very depressive state last summer. If I didn’t have specific plans to do something with friends .. I stayed holed up in the apartment on the couch watching mindless TV. NO cleaning of the apartment– no laundry.. no organizing .. no DAR training… no journalling ..no outline of a book.. no nothing. And when I actually left my house–I acted like I was good. I am a good actor. I labeled it as the “summer of Robin”. I was tan.. I kayaked.. I visited wineries.. And everyone thought I was enjoying life. My spark was gone in my life. Janie used to say that my life revolved around my job. She warned me that I needed an outside interest to spark my joy. But when you spend most of your waking hours at work, worrying about work, talking about work– your life revolves around work. Last summer I took up sewing masks (pandemic), bought a Cricut to do some crafts, and perused FaceBook and social media. But mostly sat on my ass and really got into a funk. I CANNOT DO THAT THIS TIME.

This morning I got a text from Lindsey telling me to go to breakfast with her and plan a vacation. I kabbushed the planning of the vacation– but I did shower and go to breakfast. At breakfast– a whole group of nurses came in — they were at the funeral for the fallen Worcester officer, Manny Familia. I looked at them and felt two things. Wow — my life doesn’t come close to sucking as much as his family and friends are feeling right now. And the second was– why didn’t I go into nursing? Then I remembered I don’t like the sight of blood… or any body fluids. I am blessed– I have a home (for now) , I have friends– that check in on me– I have family that I can turn to (when I actually want to admit to my failure of this job… I have my life. So I am stating it now– in writing — (something I didn’t do last summer). When I get fired (if– but we all know its really when), I will take my time– look for a job that will fit me better… I will do my DAR membership course… I will journal so I don’t fall into the same depressive state of living inside my head… I will start my outline of a book… I will clean and do laundry — so that I will be proud of myself– not just be another loser collecting (if I get approved) Unemployment… You cannot grow if you do not fail. I am old– but not to old to learn this lesson. Growing and bouncing back from failure is necessary — and sometimes risk is necessary. Maybe take a few weeks and drive to NY to see mom and family. Jake can learn to like the car rides (yeah right).

The one thing I don’t want to do is tell the Boy– aargh.