All I keep thinking is– here it is again. I have been suspended from a job that I have had for 5 months. I stopped a shoplifter. Yup– I was stupid and stopped a shoplifter. Monday night at fucking 915. The usual suspects — saw them steal and called for help– no one there– so I did a stupid thing and stepped in front of them. THEN I remembered where I was and that I couldn’t do that. Felt huge guilt– told LP the next morning… By the afternoon DLPM was there taking my statement. I was completely honest and told him exactly what happened. And the next day at 915 got the phone call from the DM suspending me at 11 when the next key came in. Told to take the day and the next day off with pay until they review the case. I have been in retail for over 30 years and I know exactly what that means. I will be termed. They are waiting for the check to come from payroll. I will get my final pay today or tomorrow and will be termed. I am devastated that I did something wrong.
I am embarrassed to tell people that I am fired. I feel the judgment will start as soon as I tell them. So in my mind I will am not saying a word. I told a few close friends … but I have yet to tell the boy. I know his and his families view on unemployment–(even if I qualify — which is WHO KNOWS). All I wanted to do the last two nights is to tell him and have him in his own way talk me out of the funk that I was thinking. But truth be thought/told, I don’t want to admit failure (again). It was JUST last year that I was laid off from my job of 18 years. Pandemic was the reason– but we all know that my regional was ecstatic that he had a full proof reason to get rid of me. I had a “parachute” for that time. 24 weeks of severance pay that brought me to after Christmas with no worries about running out of money. But now I am lucky that I saved most of that and will be “ok” if unemployment doesn’t approve me. But I have other financial issues as well. Taxes, mortgage, car issues, and most of all health insurance. I have never been more up in the air as I have been in the last year. I have always been stable– creature of habit… don’t rock the job boat.. stay the course etc. Now im just up in the air waiting for the next shoe to drop.
So what I didn’t do last summer that I was unemployed– I vow to do this summer. I fell into a very depressive state last summer. If I didn’t have specific plans to do something with friends .. I stayed holed up in the apartment on the couch watching mindless TV. NO cleaning of the apartment– no laundry.. no organizing .. no DAR training… no journalling ..no outline of a book.. no nothing. And when I actually left my house–I acted like I was good. I am a good actor. I labeled it as the “summer of Robin”. I was tan.. I kayaked.. I visited wineries.. And everyone thought I was enjoying life. My spark was gone in my life. Janie used to say that my life revolved around my job. She warned me that I needed an outside interest to spark my joy. But when you spend most of your waking hours at work, worrying about work, talking about work– your life revolves around work. Last summer I took up sewing masks (pandemic), bought a Cricut to do some crafts, and perused FaceBook and social media. But mostly sat on my ass and really got into a funk. I CANNOT DO THAT THIS TIME.
This morning I got a text from Lindsey telling me to go to breakfast with her and plan a vacation. I kabbushed the planning of the vacation– but I did shower and go to breakfast. At breakfast– a whole group of nurses came in — they were at the funeral for the fallen Worcester officer, Manny Familia. I looked at them and felt two things. Wow — my life doesn’t come close to sucking as much as his family and friends are feeling right now. And the second was– why didn’t I go into nursing? Then I remembered I don’t like the sight of blood… or any body fluids. I am blessed– I have a home (for now) , I have friends– that check in on me– I have family that I can turn to (when I actually want to admit to my failure of this job… I have my life. So I am stating it now– in writing — (something I didn’t do last summer). When I get fired (if– but we all know its really when), I will take my time– look for a job that will fit me better… I will do my DAR membership course… I will journal so I don’t fall into the same depressive state of living inside my head… I will start my outline of a book… I will clean and do laundry — so that I will be proud of myself– not just be another loser collecting (if I get approved) Unemployment… You cannot grow if you do not fail. I am old– but not to old to learn this lesson. Growing and bouncing back from failure is necessary — and sometimes risk is necessary. Maybe take a few weeks and drive to NY to see mom and family. Jake can learn to like the car rides (yeah right).
The one thing I don’t want to do is tell the Boy– aargh.
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